


Cold Tears

by Linda18



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-18
Updated: 2000-04-18
Packaged: 2018-11-11 03:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11140257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linda18/pseuds/Linda18
Summary: Ray Kowalski has to confront his feelings.





	Cold Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Due South and all of its characters belong to Alliance Communications

Views to: 

Check out my story page at: http://www.1freespace.com/linda1/

My thanks to Ruthie Biermann for reading the story for me and for her wonderful suggestions.

COLD TEARS

by Linda Hughes

Stanley Raymond Kowalski sat in the squad room surveying his untidy desk; he had managed to clear some of the paperwork, but he still had a long way to go. He fidgeted in his chair trying to get comfortable wincing as a pain shot through his slender body. He had slipped on the snow coming out of his building that morning landing heavily on his back, and now his shoulder holster was aggravating his aching shoulders and back. Sighing he cautiously shrugged out of the holster carefully locking it into his desk drawer. "I'll get myself a coffee. That'll make me feel better," he thought to himself standing and making his way towards the coffee room.

**************

Francesca Vecchio bounced into the squad room. She carefully hung her winter coat over the back of her chair placing her large handbag into the drawer of her desk. 

"Hey Frannie. Good lunch?" Tom Dewey asked perching himself on the edge of her desk.

"Yeh, it was. And I found out some pretty interesting stuff," Francesca replied grinning.

"Hey Jack. Frannie's got some gossip," Dewey called to his partner. Jack Huey sighed joining his partner at Francesca's desk.

"We got files to clear up Tom. And I remind you that we are partners," Huey said indicating the pile of files under his arm. "And partners share the paperwork."

Dewey waved his hand dismissively, "The paperwork can wait Jack." Turning back to the small woman, who was spinning her chair around. "Come on Frannie. Spill the beans," Dewey demanded.

Francesca stopped spinning and leaned forward conspiratorially. "Well. I went to lunch with Susan di Marco. She works in the State's Attorney office. And guess what?" she said enjoying keeping the two detectives in suspense.

"Come on Frannie. Don't keep us waiting," Dewey pressed.

"Well a certain Assistant State's Attorney is pregnant. Can you believe it? Stella Kowalski is having a baby," she squealed. "Susan says she is pretty excited about it," Francesca continued.

"Frannie," Huey interrupted. "Frannie," he tapped her hand and motioned towards the door.

"What?" Francesca yelled. Looking up she saw Ray standing in the doorway, a cup of coffee in his hand. His face was pale and the expression in his clear blue eyes was one of shock.

Frannie stared in horror, her mouth dropping open. "Ray," she jumped out of her seat moving quickly towards her pretend brother, but the blonde detective carefully placed his cup on a desk, turned on his heels and disappeared out of the squad room at a run. "Ray," Frannie shouted as the doors swung shut in her face.

**************

Ray ran down the corridor, nearly knocking over a patrolman. He ran out into the cold air not noticing that he was wearing only a sweatshirt, having left his jacket and coat behind in his hurry to escape. He raced down the road blindly trying to escape from the words echoing in his head. "No she can't be. She doesn't want children. She would have told me," he thought to himself as he ran along the street ignoring the strange looks from people wrapped up against the elements. Breathless, he found himself at the park; he ran along the snow covered paths, his mind in turmoil. "Why didn't she tell me?" he thought angrily to himself. "Does she hate me that much?" His lungs screaming from the exertion, he stopped to gaze at his surroundings; the park looked beautiful covered in a crisp white blanket. He shook his head, but Frannie's words still echoed in his mind. He had accepted that Stella was engaged to a fellow Attorney; he had even told her that he was happy for her. Now she was pregnant, and she hadn't thought him important enough to tell. He had loved her so much, had desperately wanted children, but her career had always come first. It had forced a wedge between them, eating away at their marriage destroying it beyond repair. He looked around him; the park was deserted, and the silence pounded at his ears. His heart ached, and he dropped to his knees blinking back tears of anger and hurt. He buried his head in his hands and cried.

**************

Fraser smiled as he trudged towards the 27 th precinct, Diefenbacker at his heels. He loved the snow; it reminded him of his home. He had finished his duties at the Consulate, and had decided to meet his unofficial partner and invite him out for dinner. Entering the squad room, he braced himself as he saw Francesca Vecchio hurrying towards him. "Oh dear," he thought to himself. 

"Frase. Oh Frase. You've got to help. I didn't mean for him to hear. Frase. You've got to help me. He's gone," she babbled tears in her large brown eyes. "It's all my fault."

"Francesca. Please calm down, and tell me what has happened," Fraser took the small woman by the arm leading her to the desk. Scanning the room, he noticed that his partner wasn't at his desk, his jacket and coat slung around his chair untidily. "Now Francesca. Tell me what has happened?" Fraser said calmly.

Dewey walked past, a file in his hand. "Frannie blabbed about Stella Kowalski being pregnant. Ray overheard her and ran out," Dewey explained. "We haven't seen him since." Francesca shot the detective a disgusted look.

Fraser frowned in concern. "When did this happen?" he asked.

"A couple of hours ago. Oh Frase. I didn't mean to hurt him," Francesca said in a small voice. "I'm sorry Frase. You've got to find him."

Dewey shrugged his shoulders dismissively. "Dumb polack is probably in some bar getting drunk."

Fraser swung round his face angry; Dewey stepped back in surprise. "Ray is not as you say a dumb polack . If you knew anything about him, you would know that this information would hurt him deeply."

Dewey raised his hands in defence. "Only joking with you Fraser. Sorry," he retreated back to his desk. Huey glared at his partner and returned to his paperwork.

"Frase. You will find him won't you?" Francesca asked softly. "You know how he is about Stella." 

Fraser turned back to Francesca. "Yes. I know."

"Tell him I'm sorry," she whispered. "He may not be my real brother, but I love him like he was."

Fraser smiled at the small woman patting her hand. "Dief and I will find him. I promise. Don't worry."

**************

Fraser took a deep breath before entering the State's Attorney's Office. Taking off his stetson, he walked towards a small red-haired woman sitting behind a desk. She looked up as he approached and smiled warmly. "Good afternoon. My name is Constable Benton Fraser, and I would like to see Assistant State's Attorney Kowalski if that is possible," he said politely.

"Well Ms. Kowalski is very busy this afternoon, but I'll see what I can do," she answered getting up and disappearing into a connecting office. A few moments later, she re-appeared. "She'll see you now Constable," she smiled.

"Thank you kindly," Fraser said as he entered the office. 

Stella Kowalski was sitting behind a large desk, files stacked in neat piles. Fraser glanced quickly around the office; it was tastefully decorated and furnished.

Stella looked up. "What can I do for you Constable? Make it quick. I only have a few minutes before I need to leave for the Court House," she snapped. 

"I was wondering if you had seen Ray this afternoon?" Fraser asked politely.

"What? Why would I have seen Ray today?" she stood up her blue eyes narrowed at the Mountie. "What's this all about Constable?"

Fraser cleared his throat. "Well it would seem that Ray found out about...... about your condition. And no-one has seen him since. I am concerned, and thought he might come here."

Stella looked down at her desk guiltily, biting her lower lip. "Oh," she stammered.

"I take it you haven't seen him then," Fraser persisted coolly regarding the woman.

"No. I haven't. Look Constable I meant to tell him, but it just slipped my mind," she replied. "I knew he would react badly, and I am far too busy to deal with his feelings. What with apartment hunting with my fiancee, the baby...."

"Ahhh I see. I understand completely," Fraser interrupted. 

Stella scowled at him. "How can you understand? You don't know me. I am sorry if this seems harsh, but telling Ray was the last thing on my mind."

"So it would seem. Thank you for your time Ms. Kowalski," Fraser turned to leave the office, but Stella moved quickly to block his exit, her hands on her hips.

"Constable. I am no longer married to Ray. My life has nothing to do with him anymore. I have moved on, and so should he," she said harshly. "I don't owe him anything, and I don't have to feel obliged to tell him everything."

Fraser stared at the woman in front of him. "No you don't owe him anything. However, if the situation were reversed, I know that Ray would have afforded you the common courtesy of not finding out from a third party."

Stella glared at the Mountie, but his stare disconcerted her usually composed manner. "You don't know Ray like I do," she snapped.

"Oh, but I do," Fraser interrupted. "Ray is a kind and caring man, and I am proud that he is my friend." Before Stella could utter a reply, Fraser put his stetson on and moved towards the door. "Congratulations," he said politely as he closed the door on the stunned woman.

**************

Fraser had searched all afternoon for his partner without success. He and Dief had scoured Ray's neighbourhood including all the bars and even the diners that Ray favoured. He had spoken to Ray's landlady, and she had promised to call him if his partner returned home. Telephoning the 27 th precinct he ascertained that his partner hadn't returned there. He had trudged desolately back to the Consulate, hoping that his partner would be waiting for him. The Consulate was empty; disappointed he removed his heavy coat hanging it carefully in the closet. Dief was laying miserably under his cot. Fraser bent down ruffling his furry head. "Don't worry Dief. We'll just get something to eat, and then we'll go out again," he reassured the wolf. Dief whined. "Yes I know. I'm worried too."

Fraser had made himself a quick omelette, and was in the process of pushing it disinterestedly around his plate when the telephone interrupted his thoughts. Jumping to his feet, he answered on the fourth ring. "Canadian Consulate. Constable Benton Fraser speaking," he announced hoping that it was his partner calling. Dief sat at his feet looking up, a hopeful expression on his face.

"Hello Constable. This is Mrs. Boone. Your partner's landlady," the voice on the line said.

"Good evening Mrs. Boone," Fraser replied politely, hopeful that she had news of his friend.

"You asked me to call you when he came home. Well he's back, and he's sitting on the steps. I've tried to get him to come in, but he refuses. Can you come over?" she asked.

"I'll be right over. Keep an eye on him," Fraser hung up the telephone.

Considering for a moment, he called for a cab, and then ran to his room hurriedly putting on his heavy coat. Grabbing his stetson, he motioned Dief to follow; standing on the Consulate steps he waited impatiently for the cab to arrive.

**************

The journey to Ray's apartment building was slow. It had begun to snow lightly, and the traffic was driving carefully on the icy roads. Dief sat with his furry nose pressed up against the window. He barked as they neared the building. Fraser peered out of the steamed up window; his partner was sitting alone on the steps. He hastily paid the cab driver and moved slowly towards his friend. Dief had bounded out of the cab, and was now sitting close to the slender man, his head resting on Ray's lap. Ray was idly drawing patterns in the snow with his finger. He seemed completely oblivious to the cold, and the fact that he was only wearing a sweatshirt.

"Ray. Ray. Ray," Fraser said softly. "Ray."

His partner looked up slowly; his face was deathly pale and tear stained, his blue eyes tinged red and his lips blue with the cold. "Hey Frase."

"Ray, I've been worried. Where have you been?" Fraser asked.

Ray shrugged his shoulders. "Just walking," he muttered dropping his head to stare at his boots. "Whaddya doing here?"

"Well we were passing, and Dief and I thought we would drop in on our friend," Fraser answered. "It's cold. Shall we go inside?" Dief barked in agreement, nudging his American friend's arm.

"Nah," Ray replied. "Wanna stay out here. Got something to warm me up so I'll be OK," he waved a bottle of whiskey at his partner.

"Now that's just silly Ray," Fraser said sitting down beside his partner. He touched his friend's hand; it was icy cold. "You're freezing cold Ray. And your clothes are soaking wet. You'll catch your death of cold sitting out here."

Ray snatched his hand back glaring at his partner. "Go way Frase. Leave me alone. I wanna stay here. I wanna be cold. Can't hurt," he murmured stubbornly.

Fraser stared into his partner's blue eyes, angry at the woman who had caused his partner so much pain. "I will not go away. You are my friend, and I will not let you freeze yourself to death. You are coming inside whether you like it or not," he said firmly. "Even if I have to carry you over my shoulder."

Ray narrowed his eyes at the Mountie. Fraser looked determined, and he sighed heavily. "OK Frase. Ya win. But yer not staying," he started to ease himself to his feet. He swayed slightly and Fraser caught him by the elbow and steered him towards the entrance of the building. "I don't need ya help," Ray snapped pulling his arm away from Fraser's firm supporting grip.

"As you wish," Fraser said following his friend as he made his way slowly towards his apartment. 

"Ya can go now," Ray said as he opened the apartment door. "I'm good."

Fraser adopted a stern expression. "You are most certainly not good, and I have no intention of leaving here tonight," he said as he walked purposefully past his stunned partner into the apartment. Removing his coat, he placed it carefully over a chair. "I'll make you a warm drink," he said moving towards the kitchen to put the kettle onto boil.

Ray slammed the door. "Don't wanna a warm drink," he said sulkily. "I got this," he waved the bottle at Fraser. 

"I don't think that's a very good idea. It's a myth that spirits warm the body up. A cup of hot chocolate or tea is much better for you," Fraser informed his partner calmly.

Ray glared at his partner, anger flaring in his eyes. "Ya think yer so smart Mr. oh so clever Mountie. Well see if this warms ya up," he yelled as he hurled the bottle towards the Mountie. Fraser ducked to one side as the bottle hurtled past his left ear smashing against the wall.

"Do you feel better now Ray?" he asked calmly straightening up. 

Anger and hurt burned in the slender detective. He couldn't control the feeling of wanting to hurt someone \- anyone - and Fraser just happened to be there standing in his hallway, his expression calm and passive. He could feel the rage swelling within his soul, threatening to overwhelm him. He swung around picking up the nearest object - a glass paperweight - and pitched it towards his partner. "Go way," he yelled, his body trembling with uncontrolled fury.

Fraser ducked away from the paperweight as it hit the same wall as the bottle. Ray had picked up a picture frame and was about to fling it in his direction, but Fraser moved quickly forwards grabbing his partner's arms tightly, "Ray. Stop it." The frame fell to the floor, the glass shattering.

Ray struggled in his grip. "Lemme go Frase," he yelled trying to break free.

Fraser maintained his hold. "Stop it now," Fraser ordered shaking the detective.

Ray jerked his head up towards Fraser. "Oh Frase. Stella's..... Stella's pregnant," he sobbed. "And she didn't tell me," he rested his head on Fraser's shoulder and cried wretchedly.

Fraser lightly held his partner, rubbing his back gently. "I know Ray," he soothed.

"I know. It will be alright."

After a few moments, Ray gulped and pushed away from the Mountie. Wiping at his eyes, he slumped onto one of the bar stools. He crossed his arms on the breakfast bar and rested his head. "Sorry Frase. Sorry fer being stupid," his voice muffled by his sweatshirt sleeves.

"You are not stupid Ray. You are upset," Fraser comforted patting his back gently. He had noticed that his partner's face was very pale and he had started to shiver. Before his friend could protest, he placed his hand on Ray's cheek; it was icy cold. "You're freezing Ray. Hot bath now," he ordered. "And you need to get out of those wet clothes."

Ray was about to argue when Dief jumped up pulling at his sweatshirt trying to drag him towards the bathroom. "Ya too," Ray sighed in defeat as Dief barked. Fraser suppressed a smirk as Dief escorted his partner towards the bathroom. 

Fraser occupied himself clearing up the broken glass, carefully disposing of it in a box he found in the small kitchen. He then turned his attentions to making a hot drink. Surveying the untidy cupboards, he found some pasta. He put it onto boil, finding some tomato sauce to mix with it. Leaving it to simmer, he returned to the living room with the hot drinks. His partner, having finished soaking in the bath, was slumped on the couch, his eyes closed. He had changed into a pair of black sweat pants and a pale blue knitted pullover. Green woolly socks covered his feet.

His blonde hair was damp, laying uncharacteristically flat to his head. His face was flushed from the hot bath, and Fraser noticed with relief that his lips were no longer tinged blue.

"Are you feeling warmer now Ray?" Fraser asked a hint of concern in his voice.

"Yeh. I'm good," Ray replied. "Thanks Frase."

Fraser offered the mug of steaming hot chocolate to his friend. "Here drink this. It will help warm you up."

Ray looked at his partner. "Sorry fer throwing things Frase. I coulda hurt ya," he murmured accepting the mug. 

"Well you didn't. Fortunately, you have a lousy aim without your glasses," Fraser teased.

Ray smiled thinly and sipped his hot chocolate. He shivered slightly, and Fraser immediately jumped up and went to retrieve a quilt from the bedroom. Before Ray could object Fraser swung his partner's legs up on the couch, and tucked the quilt around him snugly. Dief leapt onto the couch, and snuggled down on the detective's legs.

"Thanks Mum," Ray grinned stroking the wolf's furry head.

Fraser sat back in the armchair sipping at his hot drink. He was worried about his partner, but knew that he probably wouldn't want to talk about Stella. Mind made up, he took a deep breath. "Do you want to talk about it Ray?" he asked.

Ray fiddled with the quilt edges. "Frase. It's none of my business what Stella does now. She's told me often enough. But I thought..," his voice cracked with emotion and he looked down trying to choke back the threatened tears. Fraser remained quiet waiting for his partner to compose himself. 

Ray eventually looked up again, tears glistening in his eyes. "She coulda told me. I had to find out from Frannie. Does she hate me that much?" he asked pain reflected in his eyes.

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you Ray," Fraser replied. "She is very busy. It probably slipped her mind."

"Yeh tell me bout it. Stella was always too busy for us. Her career always came first," Ray said bitterly. "May be it's just me she didn't want kids with. I was never good enough fer her." 

"Ray. I am sure that is not the case," Fraser said hating the way his partner put himself down. "It is Stella's loss that you are not the father of her baby. I know you would make a kind and caring father." 

"Ya think," Ray said stroking Dief's furry head. "She coulda told me Frase. I would have tried to understand. I woulda even tried to be happy fer her if she'd given me a chance. When she got engaged, I even told her I was happy fer her, " He bit his bottom lip trying to hold back his tears. "Why didn't she tell me? That's the bit that really hurts."

"I don't know Ray. But I told her this afternoon...," Fraser started to say.

"What do ya mean ya told her this afternoon?" Ray interrupted.

Fraser cursed himself silently, he hadn't meant to mention his meeting with Stella. "Well I went to see her this afternoon. I was worried about you, and thought you may have gone to see her," Fraser explained. "I told her that you would have given her the courtesy of not hearing about important news from a third party."

"Ya did," Ray said.

"Yes, I did. I am afraid I was less than polite. But I felt it had to be said," Fraser admitted quietly. He hoped that his partner would be able to forgive him.

"Wow go figure. The Mountie stood up to the Stella," Ray laughed lightly.

"I beg your pardon," Fraser said surprised at his partner's reaction. "I thought you would be angry with me."

"Nah Frase. Yer my friend. I understand," Ray replied. "I admit it hurts like hell at the moment. It was.... it was just a shock hearing Frannie tell Huey and Dewey. Felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I just kinda freaked out fer a while."

"I must say that would be an understatement Ray. Walking about Chicago without a coat in the cold weather was extremely foolhardy," Fraser scolded gently. "On this occasion, however, it is quite understandable. I know how you feel about Stella."

"Foolhardy. Is that some kind of Canadian word?" Ray teased.

"It means I understand," Fraser replied.

Ray considered for a moment distractedly fondling Dief's ears; looking up at his partner, his blue eyes earnest. "Do ya know Frase? I realised today that I don't.... don't love her the way I used to anymore. Feels sorta of strange, but good in a funny sorta way. I guess walking round in the snow does that to a guy."

"Indeed," Fraser noted patiently waiting for his partner to continue. 

"I loved her fer so long that it was hard fer me to break the habit. I just.... I just couldn't get used to not having her around. I thought about her all the time, wanted her to love me again," Ray looked at his friend for understanding.

"Go on," Fraser encouraged. 

"Even when she told me she was engaged, I still wanted her to love me. Stupid huh?" Ray looked down embarrassed.

"I don't think it is stupid to want to be loved," Fraser said quietly. "It's what makes us human."

"Mmmm," Ray considered for a moment. "I don't think I will ever forgive her fer not telling me herself," Ray admitted quietly. "I cried for her today, but I cried for me too. And the funny thing is that I feel better than I have fer a long time."

"I am truly glad Ray," Fraser declared.

"I mean it Frase. I think I've finally let her go," Ray persisted.

"I know Ray," Fraser agreed. "Although I am sure today was extremely painful for you, I think it forced you to confront your feelings for Stella. Made you see that you could have a life without her. You certainly deserve one." 

"Yeh. Thanks Frase. And sorry fer freaking out on ya," Ray grinned.

"The next time you freak out, as you put it, could you make sure it is during the summer months?" Fraser said a hint of amusement in his voice. "Now I have some pasta cooking. Would you like some?"

"Yeh. Thanks Frase," Ray answered. "And Frase,"

"Yes Ray," Fraser said as he stood up moving towards the kitchen.

"Thanks fer today. Thanks for being my friend," Ray said quietly.

"It is an honour Ray, my friend," Fraser replied smiling.

THE END


End file.
